


Before You Go

by theultimatenerd04



Series: marvel song fics [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Anger, Angst, Before You Go, Character Death, Death, Depression, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hatred, Heavy Angst, Loneliness, Pain, Songfic, lewis capaldi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-02-23 02:15:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23537506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theultimatenerd04/pseuds/theultimatenerd04
Summary: Peter has a big heart, maybe too big. But she's gone and now he has to learn how to cope in her absence. It's hard, harder than he thought but he has to do. For her.A songfic based on Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi
Relationships: Peter Parker & Oc
Series: marvel song fics [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1531082
Kudos: 1





	Before You Go

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, I haven't posted in a while, a lot of personal stuff has been going on which you'll probably find out during this story. Just a warning, if you know what this song is about then you probably know what this story is about but just in case, the main theme in this story is suicide so if you know that triggers you, please don't read this. It's important to look after our mental health, especially during these challenging times.

She was just 16. A classmate. They’d never been friends but they’d talked. And now she’s gone. Gone like she’d never existed in the first place. Except she had and now all Peter sees is her ghost. It haunts him in his dreams and into his waking hours. 

He sees her everywhere. She’s in his classes at school. She’s in the movie cinema when he goes to the latest new release. She’s in the presentations they do in class that if they do well, could get them a scholarship into a good college. Peter can’t stop thinking about how they are all things she never got to do. Will never do. 

/I fell by the wayside like everyone else  
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself/

Staring at his hands, he tries to muster up some kind of feeling other than a hatred born of pain. How could she leave them like this? She didn’t have to go. There is always another way. Always another way. She was selfish. Should have thought of the rest of them before leaving. Should have known that by leaving, she created a gaping hole that couldn’t be filled. 

But Peter is lying to himself. A potent hatred, born of pain but not real. Pain is too hard to express in a society where happiness is the only acceptable state. Hatred is better. Easier to deal with. Easier to deal with then the crippling pain that creeps up on him when Peter lies in bed, making his body quake with pent up emotion that has nowhere else to go. Hatred is better. Hatred is easier.

/Our every moment, I start to replace  
'Cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say/

He didn’t spend much time with her but he had nearly all his classes with her last year. He was friends with her friends. It’s only now that he realises just how interconnected everyone is, even when interaction was limited. 

Every moment, every conversation flashes before his eyes and he wonders, was there anything he could have done. Anything he could have said. Anything. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, until it’s not and now all it does is tear him apart. 

/When you hurt under the surface  
Like troubled water running cold/

He wishes he noticed, wishes he noticed and acted. He should know the signs, he’s dealt with them before. Dealt with them when Uncle Ben died and nothing seemed to matter anymore. Dealt with them whenever he thinks about all the people he could have saved but failed. He should have seen the signs. He should have been better. 

/Well, time can heal, but this won't/

People have told him to give it time and eventually the pain will dull but it wasn’t not true. It couldn’t be true. Time passing doesn’t erase the life that lived there but was now gone. It shouldn’t. There is an open, gaping wound on Peter’s heart. It won’t ever heal. Scar, maybe, but not heal. This will never heal. It will sit in his memory, a reminder of why he should care. Why he should keep being Spiderman. 

He has seen what happens when someone passes. What happens to their friends, to their families. He never wants anyone else to have to go through it if he could prevent it. He could prevent it with his powers. 

In the weeks after, when he is still numb, he dedicates himself to patrolling as much as he can. He runs himself dry but still doesn’t stop. Spiderman has the power to make a difference. Peter doesn’t. All Peter can do is sit around in his bedroom crying when Aunt May is at work. He feels so helpless but Spiderman is his salvation. A way for him to help people. To amend for not helping her. 

Everything always comes back to her.

/So, before you go  
Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?  
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather/

He didn’t know but if he did could he have helped? He didn’t know her that well but now he wishes he did. Would he know what to say if he did know? If she reached out for help? Would he have been able to help or would he have made everything worse. There’s no way to tell but the thought naws at him. It won’t go away. Is there any way he could have helped?

/So, before you go  
Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?/

Some days he knows that there’s nothing he could have done. If she wanted help, she would have reached out. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want it but oh how he wishes he could. 

/It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless/

Peter remembers someone saying that your mind is your greatest weapon but what happens if that weapon turns on you? It’s a part of you. There’s nothing you can do to stop it if it truly wishes to hurt you.

/So, before you go  
Was never the right time, whenever you called  
Went little by little by little until there was nothing at all/

He remembers on the first day of school, seeing her and her friends smiling and laughing. He wanted to go up to them, sit down and join in. But he was too scared of rejection. Now he regrets not going up. After that first day, everyone had their own friendship groups and it was too late to go up and talk to her. Oh, how he wishes he did. What use do social norms have when one of their numbers is gone? 

/Our every moment, I start to replay  
But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face/

The last expression he ever saw her wear was a smile but now he can’t help but wonder if it was fake. Sharing a plate of hot chips during a free period with three other friends was one of the highlights of his year but was it all fake? 

He knows, logically, that just because she was struggling doesn’t mean she couldn’t be happy but he can’t accept it. They always teach you to look for the signs but what if there are no signs? What happens then?

/When you hurt under the surface  
Like troubled water running cold  
Well, some can heal, but this won't/

He can’t help but think of all her closest friends. If he’s hurting this much how are they coping? He sees their instagram posts, sees them posting all the good memories and wishes he could do the same. He’s a selfish person at heart. He wishes he had something other than the what-ifs to keep him company during the cold nights. 

/So, before you go  
Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?  
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather/

It hurts so much Peter feels like crying again. He knows it’s nothing like what she was experiencing when she was still here and the thought just makes him sob harder. He doesn’t deserve to feel this much pain when she’s at peace in heaven. He should be happy that she was no longer in a place that made her so unhappy. But all he can feel is pain. 

/So, before you go  
Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?  
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless/

This isn’t the first time this has happened to someone he knows. Last year, his neighbour passed. He went to the funeral. He wanted to go to hers as well but he would have felt like an imposter. All her friends and family would have been there grieving and he would have just been there. He didn’t even know her that well but that doesn't mean he felt her loss any less. Sometimes he wishes it did.

/So, before you go/

Because even though she’s gone, her memory still sits in everything. Everyday at school he sees her ghost, laughing with her friends. Everyone tells him that he needs to let go and start thinking of the good things but he can’t. He isn’t a robot, there is no off-switch to pain but oh, how he wishes there was. It would make life so much easier. 

/Would we be better off by now  
If I'd have let my walls come down?/

Maybe if he’d told people about his struggles, she might have felt like she could talk. Ask for help. Maybe then she’d still be alive. 

/Maybe, I guess we'll never know/

He isn’t one to believe in heaven or anything after death but in this moment, he just wants to see her again. Apologise for failing her. For not noticing. Apologise for all the pain she went through and apologise for not being there. Peter knows it’s impossible that there’s nothing after death but he wants there to be just so he can see her.

/You know, you know  
Before you go  
Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?  
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather/

It’s been over a month since he found out and the wound still hurts. He’s finally emerged from the shock but now he thinks of her more and more. Some days are bad, some are better. It’s hard to have good days when there’s a scar on his heart but he’s getting there. 

/So, before you go  
Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?  
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless/

He still feels the pain everyday, a gaping hole in his chest but he doesn’t think it will go away. The pain of losing someone never goes away but he will get used to it and will learn to cope. That’s what May tells him. She’s got him a therapist, even though he knows they can’t afford it. He tried to talk her out of it but he’s so grateful. She’s been a rock in unsteady waters and he can never thank her enough. All he can do is hope she knows.

So, before you go

Her memory will never leave him no matter how much time passes. She will forever rest in his heart and he will live the life she never got to live. He will never forget her. 

\----

Beautiful Georgia, I hope heaven is treating you well. I know we didn’t talk much but I will never forget you. I miss you so much and I hope that you’ve finally found peace.


End file.
